I'm currently having a "OH MY GOSH, what the hell am I going to do with my life after I graduate college?!" moment.

Tonight I was a little bored and decided to look around on the internet for future jobs I would like to have after I graduate. That was a bad idea. Doing all of this made me realize that the jobs I really want are REALLY hard to get and I'm probably going to have to start out pretty low before I can build up to my ideal job. All of this is causing me to kind of freak out a little bit and think that I'm going to have lots of problems after I graduate. I would love love love love LOVE to work for the Artists and Repertoire division of a major record label someday. How I'm going to build up to that kind of job, I have no clue. The more I research all of this, the more I realize the whole music industry is all about networking, and I find that terrifying because I can't see how I'm going to be able to get to know people who can help me out with this. I realize that I'm probably going to have pack up and move to Los Angeles or New York City jobless and that seems really risky. It's so expensive to live in both of those cities! and I'm really not much of a fan of Los Angeles. or southern California in general.

I've been looking at a bunch of record labels for all of my favorite bands and most of them offer internships all year and during the summer, so I'm thinking about doing an internship for a few months after I graduate (since right now it looks like I'm going to graduate in 3.5 years instead of 4 and I'll have nothing to do for that extra semester I got out of) or do an internship during this next summer or the next one. Out of all of the internships I've found that I could do, I really want to intern for Decaydance. How cool would it be to be an intern for the record label that Pete Wentz created and has signed Cobra Starship, Panic at the Disco, and Gym Class Heroes? It's kind of scary though. I'd have to live in New York City by myself for a few months. My parents wouldn't like that. and like I said before, New York City is expeeeeeeeeeeensive. Aaaahh! I want this kind of career SO BAD though. It's my dream to be some hot shot person in the music industry someday. :P

Alright. End rant.

I've tried writing something about four times and then I just ended up deleting everything. I guess I'm having some trouble saying what is on my mind.

Well, anyways, it's officially 2011 and I'm not really sure how I feel at the moment. I spent most of the night laying in my bed, trying not to think about how I'm supposed to be doing something fun. At midnight, I was still alone in my room, just sitting there. and that was when I realized I'm pretty much a pathetic person. Earlier tonight, Mina yelled at me because I wasn't doing anything to make an effort to hang out with anybody, and I know that is my fault. But today was just one of those days where I just didn't even want to try anymore. I've tried so many things, so many times, and about two weeks ago I realized that I need to just give up on all the things I'm pushing for, because basically nothing has changed, no matter how many times I thought they did.

I went to visit Shawheen for a few days and I just got back yesterday. I got way more upset about leaving than I normally do, which is probably why today has just been a sucky day. I don't know, I guess I finally noticed how nice it was to have a real best friend around, and I also realized how much it really sucks to have to leave them. It especially sucks that my best friend is someone that I get to see about 10 out of the 365 days in a year.

I'm completely terrified of this upcoming year, mainly because I'm reeeeeeeeeeeeally not looking forward to going back to school. This past semester actually wasn't as hard as I made it out to be at the beginning, but I'm pretty sure this upcoming semester is going to be a whole lot worse because we'll be past the introductions of everything. Is it bad that the one thing I'm dreading the most is having my first clarinet lesson of the semester? I'm pretty sure I shouldn't be feeling that way. I just hope that maybe I just feel that way about my lessons because I'm still not past the awkwardness of having a new teacher that I'm not totally comfortable around yet. Everytime I practice I'm worried that I'm not doing well enough and that when I go back MacDowell will not be very happy with me. fdjadfjksjkasfdjlsdfaljkdsafkljdsfaljksdfaadfls;as;sdj;asd;klfjasdf being a music major is stressful. Sometimes I wish I could've just majored in something that requires you to just read a book in order to study for a test, rather than having to practice singing and playing a piano in order to study. I miss being able to take a test that I don't have to announce my answers out to everyone in the class while they listen to me and being able to take my own time. I guess what I'm trying to say is this: I really hate ear training and sight singing. Lately I've been wondering if I'm truly unhappy with the direction my life is going or if I'm just thinking too much. I hope I'm just thinking too much. I really don't have any other choices. My parents keep pushing me to just forget about music and go pre-med. As if I'd really do that.

I'm not looking forward to going back to my dorm either. I'm pretty much wasting my time living in a dorm because I'm not getting the "dorm experience" since I don't even have a roommate. I haven't even met anyone that lives in my dorm. My room is freezing cold even though I have the temperature thing set on the hottest it can be, and sometimes it just gets lonely sitting in that room. I do have a really nice view of downtown though, so I guess it's ok. Basically after being in my nice and warm house, it's gonna suck to have to go back. Not to mention my bed at home is sooooooooooo ridiculously comfortable. I'm gonna miss eating real food too. I realized that it really is kind of scary not knowing exactly what they use to make all the food in the cafeteria, and I'm thinking that when I go back I might stick to eating cereal pretty often. That's not really a problem for me though because I think I could eat cereal for every meal and be pretty happy. :) I wonder if it's gonna be weird when I go back and see my friends that I've met at UT. I haven't talked to them at all during this break, but I understand why. I just hope it's not awkward at first.

I feel a little better now.